How Long....

Swirls of darkness surround me. I can't see. Life is over as I know it, no one cares. Why can't I get up, get out of this deep, dark hole of despair?  God, are you really there? Do you exist? Why do you let this happen to me. I can't go on living like this. If I could just go to sleep and not wake up... I could just drive to the airport with my Visa and go somewhere, escape, warmth, the sun.... my heart beats hard and fast, my chest tightening. My head is going to explode and I know my blood pressure is high.

I can tell what's happening. I'm analyzing all my thoughts desperately trying to sort the true from the false... I'm exhausted.

This is is not really me. I know that inside, somewhere distant I can hear the truth.

I'm overwhelmed.

Darkness lifts as the sun comes out and I struggle to move, speaking words of life out loud to myself like a crazy woman - can anyone hear me? They'll commit me for sure.

People, I need people. I need to connect so I'm not alone. I need to feel the warm sun and cool breeze on my face. As I get up I'm sore. My muscles ache and strain to move. I want to lie down again but I push myself up.

Just get to the computer and see if she's on Skype... she's there. A lifeline thrown out. Thank you Lord.

If you've ever suffered depression and anxiety, this will sound familiar to you. This is the monkey on my back. My haunting. My cross to bear. My curse. I don't want it. I struggle against it trying to do all I can to help myself get better. Some days I'm successful, other days I'm not.

I'm blessed to have a husband who loves and adores me. I'm not sure why he does... but, he does anyway. I can talk to him, I can warn him I'm slipping. He reaches out to me and loves me. He doesn't get angry at me, he puts up with my irritability and sharp words. I apologize but he just looks at me with love and says, "That's ok."

I love him so much.

Perhaps you don't have someone like that in your life. Perhaps you're alone or your family doesn't understand. I want to assure you - you're not alone. There are people going through the same thing day after day, struggling to hang on.

Take heart, beloved. God is near even though He seems far. Hang on to truth, not the feelings of despair.

This is my psalm when I'm sinking...

How long, Adonai? 

     Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

 How long must I keep asking myself what to do, 

          with sorrow in my heart every day?

Look, and answer me, Adonai, my God!

     Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death. 

          Then my enemy would say, "I was able to beat him;"

But I trust in your grace, your unfailing love, 

     my heart rejoices as you bring me to safety. 

I will sing to Adonai, because he gives me even more than I need. (psalm 13)

grace.... Kathie